TW for church-ese: terms and quotes that may take you back unexpectedly.
My fears manifested (still manifest many days) differently from what I typically hear about. Instead of the sinners prayer on repeat, I had a specific verse worm it's way into my psyche. I can't tell the chapter and verse anymore (progress!), but I can still quote: he who knows the good he ought to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. Somehow, I have spent my life searching for THE right choice in every situation, down to choices as minor as what to eat for dinner, and harshly judging myself for any "poor" decisions, times I "missed the mark," aka "hamartia," aka sinned. It is far too much mental weight to carry about your average day.
Scrupulosity is so seldom heard about in OCD world. Thanks for sharing. I still struggle with this even though I deconstructed my toxic faith. Actually, not sure I've been able to deconstructed it deep, deep down....
"Everything was under constant assessment. Is this interest/hobby/normal human emotion/experience holy or not? Check and recheck." Yes yes yes. Thank you so much for sharing, Kandi, and I am thrilled to hear that exposure therapy has helped so much. It's ironic that accepting and sitting with all of my fears and failures has allowed me to actually believe God loves me. And thanks for linking to my Substack. I am always open to chatting more about faith and OCD!
I also love the subtitle "dancing with fear." One of my favorite lines of poetry is T.S. Eliot's "the darkness shall be the light and the stillness the dancing." This has been my experience with OCD recovery--there is still fear, but boy is there dancing!
I feel like my nervous system put up a lot of defences against scrupulosity (I don’t know if this is accurate, but I link it to being PDA autistic and having a strong self-protective mechanism that refuses to be told I “should” do something that doesn’t feel good for my body). It’s always really helpful for me to read about people’s religious OCD, because while it overlaps with my religious trauma, there are dimensions I haven’t experienced as well.
One aspect I can relate to though, is existential terror. Learning to process the fear in an embodied way rather than through Christianity’s meta narrative (I.e. intellectualising) was a major turning point for me. The terror isn’t nearly as terrifying now that I can radically accept it as universally human, and sit with it, and breathe through it.
Your connection to exposure therapy and embracing the “forbidden” as part of your healing journey is so interesting! It sheds light on my own embrace of the forbidden that, while setting off intense shame triggers, is simultaneously deeply healing.
"The terror isn’t nearly as terrifying now that I can radically accept it as universally human, and sit with it, and breathe through it." Love this and your whole journey, Shaina!
TW for church-ese: terms and quotes that may take you back unexpectedly.
My fears manifested (still manifest many days) differently from what I typically hear about. Instead of the sinners prayer on repeat, I had a specific verse worm it's way into my psyche. I can't tell the chapter and verse anymore (progress!), but I can still quote: he who knows the good he ought to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. Somehow, I have spent my life searching for THE right choice in every situation, down to choices as minor as what to eat for dinner, and harshly judging myself for any "poor" decisions, times I "missed the mark," aka "hamartia," aka sinned. It is far too much mental weight to carry about your average day.
Thank you for sharing this, Laura! Cheers to healing!
Scrupulosity is so seldom heard about in OCD world. Thanks for sharing. I still struggle with this even though I deconstructed my toxic faith. Actually, not sure I've been able to deconstructed it deep, deep down....
Thank you, Debby. <3 Here's to our continued healing journeys!
"Everything was under constant assessment. Is this interest/hobby/normal human emotion/experience holy or not? Check and recheck." Yes yes yes. Thank you so much for sharing, Kandi, and I am thrilled to hear that exposure therapy has helped so much. It's ironic that accepting and sitting with all of my fears and failures has allowed me to actually believe God loves me. And thanks for linking to my Substack. I am always open to chatting more about faith and OCD!
I also love the subtitle "dancing with fear." One of my favorite lines of poetry is T.S. Eliot's "the darkness shall be the light and the stillness the dancing." This has been my experience with OCD recovery--there is still fear, but boy is there dancing!
I remember scrupulosity so well, Kandi, and how guilty it made me feel ALL the time. Thank heaven we are free from it now!
Thank heaven indeed!
I feel like my nervous system put up a lot of defences against scrupulosity (I don’t know if this is accurate, but I link it to being PDA autistic and having a strong self-protective mechanism that refuses to be told I “should” do something that doesn’t feel good for my body). It’s always really helpful for me to read about people’s religious OCD, because while it overlaps with my religious trauma, there are dimensions I haven’t experienced as well.
One aspect I can relate to though, is existential terror. Learning to process the fear in an embodied way rather than through Christianity’s meta narrative (I.e. intellectualising) was a major turning point for me. The terror isn’t nearly as terrifying now that I can radically accept it as universally human, and sit with it, and breathe through it.
Your connection to exposure therapy and embracing the “forbidden” as part of your healing journey is so interesting! It sheds light on my own embrace of the forbidden that, while setting off intense shame triggers, is simultaneously deeply healing.
"The terror isn’t nearly as terrifying now that I can radically accept it as universally human, and sit with it, and breathe through it." Love this and your whole journey, Shaina!