Hobbies as Spiritual Practice: 4 Ways I’m Unearthing Repressed Joy

Things that have connected me to that which was buried...

TW: religious abuse

If you grew up adjacent to the world of Shiny Happy People, you know that so much that is innocent and fun is called evil there.¹ And that means that as a child, you may not have been allowed to do perfectly fun and normal things—like playing with certain toys, experimenting with your aesthetic/expression, or listening to certain music.

I’m no exception to this experience. I was born in the mid-90s, when my fundamentalist community was still being pummeled by the acid rain of the Satanic Panic.² That meant that anything vaguely witchy, emo, goth, sexy, or too rock n’ roll (Jesus music excluded, of course) was a no. These joys were repressed, buried in a grave of sorts.

That repression didn’t really work on me. The joy came back undead. By the mid-2000s, I was an aspiring emo-aesthetic kid, with a love of fashion and rock n’ roll. So, as a moody but still fundamentalist tweenager, I expressed these loves by…

• painting my nails the darkest non-black polish I could buy at Dollar Tree (since black was not allowed for Satanic Panic reasons)

• thrifting distressed-but-not-too-devilish, rock-inspired fashion

• listening to pre-approved 70s rock songs, plus lots of BarlowGirl, Skillet, Fireflight, Superchick, etc.

These creative outlets were so important to my survival during that time, and I am forever grateful to the people who introduced them to me. But, in this fundamentalist world of suspicion that hurt all involved—from authority figures to the kids like me—I loved Jesus, but I could never quite fit into the fundamentalist box. I was always too witchy, too question-y, too art-y, too disabled, too sensitive, too queer.

As a golden child, I sure tried to lay down my divergent interests in the grave fundamentalism wanted, but my compliance ended up harming my body, even as it tried to keep myself safe.

As I seek to recover from religious trauma, I’m connecting to the things that brought me joy as a young human, resurrecting those Hot Topic–adjacent interests for healing haunts. I’m connecting to divine love by loving myself through the hobbies and interests God gave me.

Here are just four…

Halloween:

I adore Halloween, and I decorate with abandon, thrifting Halloween gear and haunting the Halloween decor sections of big box stores.

As an example, this is the state of the decorating space in our small kitchen, and I assure you that it is even more decked out by the time you are reading this. (Spooky season starts in July in the Zeller house.)

Our haunted window

Gothic/vampy/witchy fashion:

As stated above, I have always loved gothic/vampy/witchy fashion, and now I get to explore it. Here are some photos of this special interest that is giving me so much joy.

Living out my witchy fashion dreams...

Monster High dolls:

These ghouls came out right as I was entering high school (and becoming more of a fundamentalist), so I wasn’t in to them when they were originally on store shelves.

But, oh my stars, do they express so many angles of my inner child now! (Also, Frankie Stine is now canonically non-binary and disabled, so that rocks!)

I know Mattel is a big corporation, but I’m having a blast collecting and DIY-ing doll stuff, and a lot of my Monster High collection is thrifted.

My ghouls!

Fundie Friday’s Vacation Bible School of Rock Series:

I love the historical work that Fundie Fridays does, and I love that they have such a fun and inclusive lens too. Vacation Bible School of Rock is their series about CCM, and it is sweeping, hilarious, and moving—and really helped me reclaim some of the music from my childhood. I liked this series so much that I bought the merch t-shirt. Because this is the kind of VBS I can get behind!

Okay, that’s all for now. Thanks for indulging this information dump of witchy things that bring me joy.

I want to know: As you’ve worked to heal from religious trauma, have you been able to resurrect buried parts of your self through hobbies?

In Wonder,

Kandi Zeller (she/her)

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Website: KandiZeller.com

Instagram: @Kandi.Zeller

1. To me, this puts a whole new spin on Isaiah 5:20, which was absolutely used as a weapon against fun things in my growing-up world. I also think this verse was used as a cover for all manner of spiritual abuse.

2. I could, and probably will, write several posts about the Satanic Panic, but for now, so much good coverage already exists on Fundie Fridays, Ask a Mortician, Retro Report, and the You’re Wrong About and Prophetic Imagination Station podcast archives.